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 Post Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:46 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:22 am
Posts: 18
You're very resistant to it being part of you, and yet as you identify it as an external entity and attempt to 'battle' it, all you're doing is weakening yourself.

I have to say, everything you describe is classic, almost textbook examples of your own shadow. Best suggestion I can give, is stop running from it, stop fighting it. Turn and accept it.

If it started during your initiation as you say, then almost guaranteed it's a piece of you testing yourself. Fighting mindlessly without need is a point of failure in your life's work. You aren't here to be a warrior or a hunter, you're here to be a shaman, and that means serving society. Serving your community won't be achieved if you resolutely refuse to give up your own perception and look from a different angle.

It's almost like you're battling your own Ego here. I'd strongly suggest giving up your own certainty, and accepting it. You're not having any success doing it your way, so why not give it a go?


~Ursa


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 Post Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 2:01 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:17 pm
Posts: 95
I have lost the ability to shamanic journey. I'm too scared, too spaced out to do so and so I have therefore lost all my allies and cannot make new ones unless as astrally project myself in the otherworld. I know now that what I am battling is a force from within. But the voices I hear are not connected to the spirits I thought were attacking me. I am scared of death and I feel as though it is coming closer. But when I shamanize, even if it is just a little, really helps me with the existentialist nausea that I feel from the time I awake to when I go to sleep. I have many symptoms that may suggest that I have susto or fright, a magical disease prevalent among Mexican-Americans. I had a dream that a lady screamed in my face and it really shook me up. Also, I have been bitten by a black dog, which I see as an omen for more negativity to come. I have dreamed of this black dog but he seems more submissive than he was in real life. I am still having recurring dreams of wolfs devouring me, each dream more painful than the last.

I have given up fighting and have accepted my inner demons, my shadow self, but I feel that my tonalli has left me. I use to think that the tonalli was to stay with a person no matter what, but I have soul loss. I am too afraid of shamanic journeying to do a soul retrieval. When I try to touch the SSC I have anxiety and panic attacks. My nahualli has returned but when I try to dance it with my rattle it does not appear to me as it used to. Also, my teyolia is being weakened by my nasea. I don't have symtoms of somebody that is truly physically ill. I have normal blood pressure and not vomit or diarea nor do I have a fever or chills or the flu or what have you. But my entire body aches and I am bedridden. I have chronic insomnia due to the voices in the my head that don't let me sleep. They're getting much louder now.

I have toyed with the idea of refusing the call but I am drawn to shamanize by using my rattlestaff to invoke the four Tlaloques of the East, North, West, and South. I have tried to make it rain by shaking my rattle staff until I become delirious and go into a mad frenzy, altering my consciousness but not being in an SSC trance state but rather a mild state of exaltation. Hopefully my suffering will be quenched once I continue my fast. I've been fasting for over a week now, praying for a vision of my counsel in the spirit world. I will meet the Mixe elders in the spirit world as soon as this trecena of the maya calendar is over.

What should I do?

Yours in the struggle,
--Teopiltzin


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 Post Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 4:32 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:22 am
Posts: 18
I notice a few things in what you've posted here.

Firstly, a lack of journeying does NOT remove your gang (familiars, totems, teachers) from you. They can follow you to thisworld, you don't necessarily need to go to Otherworld to find them. Listen, and you will hear them.

Secondly, you are afraid of death. What's that about? I'd strongly advise you to examine this feeling. Death is a very natural thing, what is there to fear in it? If you have this fear of death, it will be severely limiting to you, and a big barrier you'll want to overcome.

Dreams that terrify us are the best and strongest indication that something is trying to teach us. I'd try to listen to the elements of your dream which terrify you the most. That's where the key to resolving all of this lies. They aren't negative omens, they're teaching tools, and if you ignore them or run from them, you aren't going to learn anything.

I'd also suggest going to see a doctor. Things manifest on the physical as well and can be addressed and healed at that level, while you work on the other levels. Don't ignore one in favor of the other. Remember, balance in all things.

-Ursa


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