first off, hi. i am somewhat confused right now, and a tad bit scared... i feel the presence of dark energies around me... i happen to believe at some point in my journey i can be free of all of this and have it not effect ME (chuckle) at all..but at the moment they still do.
I apologize for the length of this, but i need to get it off my chest. I am a regular person who just wants to make my own decisions, and not be TOLD by the world who, what i am. I am discovering what I AM, but am still confused as to who I AM.
I would like to preface this with some things. I do not believe in the devil, i do not believe in hell, or purgatory.. now, can 'hell' be a state of mind..sure..but some place of fire and brimstone, no, not in my belief system.
i do believe in the teachings of the essenes..
i do believe in YOU
Here is my story:
like 2 years ago.. some crazy shit started happening in my life... i started getting this urge to go back to churches...but every church i went to, just felt more out of place than last. I then went back to catholic church at my school. I remember walking in line for the eucharist, and this priest was shaking and sweating as i approached him, as if he was scared of me... i then actually became 'friends' with this priest.. i told him how recently a man had broken into my apartment and stole a camera, but i knew him, and was not sure how to deal with it in terms of pressing charges etc.. (i got it all back), so he goes "son, you were meant to talk to me about this.." so we started meeting once every two weeks.. just discussing life, god, etc... and then i remember one day i was going through some wierd stuff so i went to the church to speak to him, and we we were talking, and he made a comment i disagreed with, so i kind of shook my hand to the left and right (in the air), and he like, REPELLED back..as if i slapped him.but i didn't.. but he looked freaked out, and walked away.... i shrugged it off (i only think about it now because i am like WTF IS GOING ON, it keeps me sane, makes me realize something is up even if I'm not sure what it is) .... any who... right around this time, i was becoming good friends with this kid named james. James happens to have some really bad seizures and other 'mental illnesses', but we became good friends, he was in a scriptwriting class with me. So i started making a movie with him the summer all this crazy shit happened.
It is a nice summer day, so i am invited over to a friends for bbq. I bring james, because we were planning the next days movie shoot out. at the bbq, we are all hanging out, eating, drinking, and i smoked some cannabis. James does not smoke. All of a sudden, something happened to james.... it was like.. something 'snapped' inside of him..and he started going all 'crazy' (i am not calling him crazy, i am just explaining what it appeared like)... he started shouting all this stuff about god and antichrist and doom and etc.. started really FREAKING everybody out.. and no one else knew him really, so i took him aside in the kitchen, just him and me... and i was like james, focus man, focus... and i splashed some water on him, semi trying to baptize him (hehe,shut up). whatever, i didn't know what was going on, or how to handle it , but i did my best.. so i just held him and told him to breathe and everything was going to be okay..and he started calling all of us the devil etc.. it was pretty scary. But i got him to calm down, and brought him home to his mom. He took more meds, and was okay.....
a few days later, he calls me all upset, his grandma had to go to hospital for cancer surgery... james does not have a lot of friends, and i knew how fragile he was, so i decided i would drive up to Indianapolis to the hospital to stay with him and his family during the operation. I remember making the drive by myself.. up to the hospital... called james, his grandma was just put into the operating room..and then on the highway, i was listening to this song on the radio, it was a song about love and the lyrics were going "love calling love calling love"... and i just started to cry, so heavily, i mean.. just.. intense crying.. and literally, for a second, i felt like i transformed from out of my body and traveled all the way to the operating table and literally felt like i was inside the grandma body as surgery was going on.. for a split second, and then i was "back" in the car driving, crying.. so i calmed down... was like, wtf was that.. let it go..and drove... i got to the hospital, stayed with james and family.. operation went well.. that night i drove james back from indy. On the way back, we were talking, listening to music, and then something VERY SCARY happened... it felt like all the air in the car was sucked out..and i got this pain feeling in my stomach.. and I KNEW something was not right with james.. i turn..and it was like, james was no longer there, whoever i was looking at looked like james, but it wasn't james. and he started saying more crazy shit about god and antichrist and all this jibber jabber...and he was freaking me out because i was driving..so i just put my hand on his head told him to breathe..and eventually he snapped out of it.. but it freaked me out. so i dropped him off at his moms house and immediately went to the church.. knocked on the door at night, father rich (the priest i was meeting with), opened, and i told him what was going on, and asked if i could get some holy water (i was feeling adventurous).. now, my opinion now on 'holy' water, is that ALL WATER is holy.. but that was then, this is now. point being, i get some, and go over to james moms house..and start sprinkling it on him and whatever, NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING, just trying my best to help somehow lol.. anyways.. i left after a few hours..turns out that night james mom called the police b/c james was acting even more crazy and he got put in psych ward....
so i visited him a few times that week.. was scared, never dealt with stuff like this, but he is my friend so i went to see him...
btw, this entire summer i was SMOKING A LOT OF CANNABIS. A LOT.
so once he was in the hospital, i went home and was like wtf... so i started researching exorcisms... and there is a latin rite prayer for an exorcism..and i was like, well u know what, myf riend seems to be 'possessed'.. maybe i can perform an exorcism. LOL~~~~~~~ so i went to the church and asked father rich for some holy oil, he surprisingly gave me some, (once again, i know now i don't need oil from a priest to bless it to make it holy.. just telling u what i did then)... and i started to practice the exorcism at my house, reading all the latin... oh boy..thats when things got FUCKED UP for me...
the next day i went to work early in the morning...and as i was walking with a coworker down the sidewalk to the court house (video gig),a single leaf fell from the sky, from a tree above.. as the leaf fell to the ground, for some reason i felt compelled to watch it fall. it landed on the ground, and it fell on something. i bent down, and there was a card that had a picture of jesus on it, that said "jesus is near"....
i was like. odd timing. put it in my pocket. that day at work, right before i left, a man who i never met before, but was on one of the councils we were recording, came up to me and said "don't leave just yet"...
i shrugged it off, and was like wtf...
i was walking down main street and i started talking to this homeless woman and man.. they started telling me how i was being watched..then they asked me if i was a virgin... odd... shrugged it off
that night i continued to practice the exorcism stuff.. the next morning i went to the church and asked a fellow parishioner if he wanted to try to do an exorcism with me, he looked at me like i was nuts, but i kind of thought it would be FUN LOL!!!! but obviously he didn't want to do it.
That night i had to work at movie projector. I started the movie at fine art building and went outside to the hallway. This girl happened to be walking by, and i felt drawn to her... so we started to talk...found out she was an artist too.. also found out a few nights ago she tried killing herself.. we kept talking.. i mentioned how lately i h ad been seeing a ton of dove symbology..and sure enough, she raises up her shirt and she has a GIANT DOVE on her chest...odd.
that night after work i got home to my apartment, which btw, at this point, a 'friend' named John was crashing on my couch because he was a fugitive from the law (long story, he was addicted to heroine, i helped wean him off of it, let him stay with me, no, i didn't do heroine.) Anyways, he had brought a friend home from work (he worked at kfc), and she was this nice black women. Anywho, we smoked a blunt... and she started talking to me about the freemasons and illuminati (i had never heard of either), and just telling me the differences etc..she also mentioned something about the catholic church and how all would be revealed.. i dunno.. don't remember much of it just giving u the basics of the story..
she leaves, john goes to pass out.. i am wide wake. so i decide to walk to a friends house.....i get there.. we blaze..and thats when shit started going bat shit crazy for me... i felt this pulse around my brain.. as if this energy was in combat with another energy or something..and i literally WANDERED around town until 4 am, walking, praying the whole time, afraid of what was going on... i like..lost my mind so to speak.. i ended up at this one guys house..and we talked, and it was like.. everything he said had some kind of hidden meaning.. and i was seriously going crazy..and then a group of 4 people came in. and this 1 guy goes, hey dude i know u, i am jennys brother.. and i was so happy b/c i felt.. safe..and then this girl came up to me and gave me a hug and said dude i love u, and i had never met here before. and she goes, just tell everyone u took a bunch of drugs. (as if giving me a way to explain why i lost my marbles).... any who.. i end up making it back to my place at like 4-5am...scared shitless.. i manage to fall asleep for like 2-3 hours (THIS WAS WHAT DOC CALLED FULL BLOWN MANIC EPISODE).... i woke up, did not smoke cannabis this time.. took my car to clear my head and listen to music.. i drove past a street on campus and saw my friend Willy J. Told him to get in and i would drive him home. He had a rolled tobacco cig. He gave me it, I smoked it..and then that crazy intense energy feeling came back.. honestly, it felt like-- imagine if the dark emperor in star wars did his blue lightning wave thing at your head- that is how it felt. shit started going crazy again.. i started having all these thoughts... so i went to the police station and told them john was with me (oh btw, i had lost like my wallet, phone, keys, a bunch of stuff in 24 hours), and i don't know why i told the cops about john.. but when i got out of there, i was like.. dude.. willy j... i need to go talk to father rich(church was right next to cop station), but i told willy j to go drive to my house and tell john to get out b4 cops came.
so i entered the church building
there was a girl sitting at a table. she was beautiful. and she had a garden of eden necklace on. I remember telling her nice necklace.
I then walked into the main church building part where the pews are, and when i looked at where the holy water was(u know how when u enter it is on the side)... it was.. transformed.. the bowl was sucked dry,and seemed empty for centuries, just rotting there... i got freaked out...
so i walked downstairs to look for someone.. and i saw a plate of apples. so i grabbed one. mind you, i was quite 'grandiose' at this point, so i started thinking, what if adam and eve didn't eat the apple.. and i was throwing it up and down in my hand.. any who.. made it to the rectory, knocked knocked knocked, finally got father rich. He had this big smile on his face. Looked.. "different" than before... i said "father rich, whats the point of the apple", and he goes "its an allegory"... and then he walked away.. i started losing it even more and more..
got back to my apartment..john was gone, willy j was waiting.. i took him home, and then i packed up my kitten and myself and got in the car.. i figured i would drive out to los angeles and visit some friends . Like i said, i was definitely CRAZY at this point...right before leaving town, i stopped at a gas station. this is where I SAW that worn down man no one else could see.. because when i pointed him out to the gas station attendant he goes "dude, no one is there"
so i drive cross country....
during this drive.. i start having all these visions.. i stopped at a gas station and as i walked in, there were all these hot dogs and taquitos on the burner thing..i went into the bathroom.. when i came back out, the hot dogs and taquitos were all gone and the burner was empty.. NO WAY DId 20 hot dogs just get bought in 30 seconds..
as i leave the gas station, and drive out, there is a billboard with a big jesus picture on it.. as i drove by it.. he just stared at me.. it was..interesting.
next day, i smoked a bit more.(DUMB IDEA CONSIDERING HOW VULNERABLE I WAS), and thats when.. it went from being real sunny out to dark and cloudy.and i started losing track of time, and started thinking that even though it was day, it was really night, and at night, it was day..and other crazy shit...then i thought my cat was a demon, and i eventually dropped him off at the side of the road (i have come to terms with this and have forgiven myself for this)...
I stopped at another gas station, as i walked in tot he bathroom and was peeing, this man comes up behind me and whispers "jesus".. i shrugged it off and walked away.
anywho, i made it to colorado.. i told myself.. i will get to glen wood springs and stop for the night and rest.. well. i didn't make it to glen wood springs. as i was driving in the rocky mountains, i started seeing things again, and thats when all the color left everything, and it was all Black and White.. i felt like i was in a video game..and my head was screaming GET TO LA NOW OR YOU WILL DIE.. so i slammed on the gas pedal and was driving 140 mph, thinking i needed to get to la or i would die... and thats when i remembered the conversation i had with a friend a few days prior, who said "even when the color leaves, it is still there".. so i rolled down my window and threw a bottle cap (plastic bottle cap, not dangerous), at a car next to me, and the second it hit the car, everything turned from black and white to COLOR... and i SNAPPED OUT of whatever trance i was in.
colorado state troopers r behind me.. i slow down.. pull over.. crying my eyes out..the cops were very compassionate to me.. but even as they took me out of the car, a voice said "make this fun, resist".. so i started resisting, needless to say, they got me on the ground..but the odd part is.. this state trooper had his hand on me..and i felt this surge of warmth covering me..holding me..peaceful... it was like i was being prayed over.or something..and then he goes "r u catholic", and i shake my head yes, and he finds a rosary in my pocket..anyway, ambulance comes, takes me to a psych ward.. when i am in the psych ward, i kept thinking that FLIES and were SURVEILLANCE BUGS or something..it was odd LOL.. like i said, i had lost my shit.. but then these nurses come in with a bin of water and soap, and dipped a towel in it and said 'whipe your face off', and i did, and as soon as i did this, i felt this huge rush of air coming over me, and it was like as if you were under water for a long time and then finally resurfaced and could breathe..thats what it felt like. and they go 'we thought we lost you'...
and they walked away
anyways, was put in a psych ward for 3 days, was put on anti psychotics etc...
got to go home after 3 days..
moved back with parents for 4 months..was on an anti psychotic.. took me off of it around... end of novemeber.
january i moved out to la to pursue film industry career.. STILL SUPER CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, i had NO ANSWERS...
so once out in la, i was trying to MAKE SENSE of everything..but i obviously jumped the gun a little too soon.
one night i had gone drinking and got really drunk and said some horrible things to a girl i really cared about..so the next morning i was really sad so i walked to a catholic church and i remember kneeling in front of a st joseph statue..and i just started crying.. uncontrollably..for like 20 minutes non stop..and then i went to confession, and i told the priest how i was so mean to this girl i cared about and said all this mean stuff..and i was expecting some kind of.. reprimand, but he goes "son, go get some ice cream, and when you eat it, know you are in the presence of the holy spirit always"
so that at least made me feel better..
few months into la, everything going great...
then about end of april, i started smoking cannabis again.. and more odd things started to happen... i met this homeless guy, and i got him food one time , and he goes "dude, good luck"
then things started going crazy again. but then, that same night i was driving home, and this homeless man walks by with a big sign saying "jesus loves you"
few more days..more odd feelings.. more weird energy waves into my head..
i remember going to catholic mass during the day and feeling angry and upset....the priest had sunglasses on (something was not right with me again), what priest wears sunglasses in mass... i started feeling like i was surrounded by vampires... but i also felt like an angel. i left mass and met with a friend for some 9 hole golf.. at the golf course.. i saw planes in the sky making circles with big x's in them..and i felt surrounded by more vampires... we then got lunch.. i was still trying to hold it together.. probably should have gone to the hospital, but didn't.. we were eating late lunch in this thai place.. and i felt like the people around us were vampires but somehow they couldn't touch us because i was protecting me and my friends...
and when the owner went up the blinds, it was like when she had the blind one way, it was a message to those outside "hey fresh meat is here"..
I KNOW LIKE I SAID I WAS CRAZY..
so i leave lunch..and drive back home.. my phone all of a sudden dies, and my charger was broken.. and.. all the STREETS seemed different.. it was like.. being in another dimension or something.. roads were out of place... but i finally made it back to my apartment...
that night, i went completely crazy... but as i was sitting in my bathroom scared to death, the face of "jesus" appeared on the wall... it consumed me with love and peace... I also went outside to smoke tobacco, and i saw a man clothed in holocaust uniform with a tattoo on his arm..he asked for a cig.. i am not sure how i handed a ghost a cig..but i did...lol.. (i don't smoke tobacco anymore)
i then went back up to my apartment and started going nuts in the bathroom.. i started thinking that each part of my body could communicate with each other part..and that i was in some underground bunker in which i was being recorded on camera (maybe a past life.. i dunno), and so i started breaking everything...
roommate tried to get me to stop, but i kept running back into my bathroom.. cops were called..
cops came in..
immeditalty i got on my knees and put my hands up in prayer position.. they didn't TAZER me, but apparently they had them out..but then saw i was not a threat..
went to psych ward for 2nd time.
when i got out, put on more anti psychotics..
when i finally got off those.. they put me on 400mg of Lamictal
that is what i am on now, 400mg of lamictal.
psychiatrist says i have to take it the rest of my life... says i am bi polar manic 2... but this medicine, especially lately, has felt like poison. I feel maybe i have raised my vibrations or something..b/c lately when i put it in my mouth.it tasted like battery acid and i want to vomit...
so for months i didn't smoke cannabis, i just took the meds.. but at home things kept happening, signs, nudges, etc.. so recently i started smoking cannabis again, and the last 3 months things are completely different..when i smoke, i feel like i am the spouse of nature... 'something' is guiding me, it is like my real mother and father are teaching me, rather than my 'parents' here and now... when i partake in cannabis.. sometimes i hear 'we are celtic' or 'we are the essenes'..it is like i carry other beings inside of me.. who are willing to communicate with me now... i have literally felt like someone else was in control and guiding me at times these last 3 months..however these 3 last weeks i took a break from cannabis because i just wanted to make sure i was not going crazy again...but i noticed now..i function fine..but its like, i can't think at all.. or else my mind goes bonkers ..maybe this is also the prescription meds.. i also find it much harder to pray now.
and this is where i am at now.
i am 25.... but i had to move back home after the LA incident, so i am with my parents, i don't have to pay rent, i have a very low paying job.. so i am kind of stuck atm. working on moving out, but won't be for awhile. so i am at their mercy.
I am afraid to tell them i felt better off the meds, and most important thing is when i am off the meds, all these 'negative' voices go away..i also notice i am more 'carnal' on these meds..although that could be an excuse for myself to give into the egos desires.
I don't want to tell them about this though because even the notion of voices could be a reason enough for them to put me back in a psych ward. this all scares me.
the thing is , my parents have been AMAZING to me growing up, i mean.. AMAZING. I am an only child.they smothered me with love..but now that i am becoming awake.. i am a little..scared..confused..
they love me, but don't understand me.. but lately.. i feel... something else too. anytime i try to express my feelings about what truly happened they say i am being belligerent and want to call the doctor.. so its like i have to just keep my mouth shut and stay quiet, and any time i try to express my feelings they say "oh ur acting up again"...
even tonight, after what just happened, i tried talking to them about how i want to try a holistic approach, and my mom starts going "OH SO U CAN END UP IN A PSYCH WARD AGAIN AND GO CRAZY".. and i am thinking to myself, why r u trying to scare me...b/c deep down inside its like, i believe and know now that i am awakened, that won't happen again.
like i said. confused. some what scared.
sorry for the length.. just wanted to get it all out there.
i know the answers are within... but there is still confusion...i found this site, and feel compelled to share. And honestly, i can't talk about this with anyone but myself LOL.. and i feel part of me is desperate to share just to keep my sanity.
anyone got any tips or advice.. was this the "Shamans calling"... i am starting to believe it is.
peace to you all.