I am angry. I think I should state that from the outset, because anger is likely coloring my outlook on shamanism.
I am going to express my anger in a positive way here as one step towards integrating it, so that it's my friend and not my enemy.
Right now my anger is "corded" to someone whom I believe is my enemy and as a result, my anger gets repressed, but noticeable as it acridly bubbles away at the edges of my perception, undermining my well being and quality of life.
My anger. My perceptions. Corded to someone who is "making" me very very angry. (insert Warner Bros. cartoon martian here).
Someone whom, I believe came into my life on purpose, fully intending to attract my attention, then running away when something went awry.
I have been telling myself I don't have the right to anger, but it isn't working.
Anyway, this preamble is a bit long but some of it is necessary as a back drop to the next part of this post which is what I believe shamanism, or any other healing profession should hold to.
That means actions match with words.
It means lifestyle is in alignment with words
That there isn't one set of rules of personal conduct for behavior when not practicing shamanism, or any other healing profession, and a different set of rules of personal conduct when engaged in your healing profession.
Aside from possibly pontificating ad nauseum why these, my precepts, are morally correct - I believe, from the bottom of my heart, if one is not in alignment with the "prime directives" of the healing profession, then one will have no efficacy as a healer. At best sone might be able to prescribe or enact something that treats the symptom temporarily and nothing more.
I do, for the most part, live in alignment with my principles, but I have a ways to go. I'm still on the grid. That hurts mother, and I'm starting to have my days where I feel what she feels, or just the tiniest portion of it right now. She's sad. She's losing the battle.
I want to do what I can, while I'm here to prove my love so I hack away at getting closer to nature in every way.
Because I speak very little in life, I do very little harm anymore.
But I have found that sometimes, as soon as I open my mouth when it isn't necessary, something stupid comes out of it. Once I caught myself gossiping, which is a capital sin in my books, and another time I was lying quicker than pan.
So I'm just safer from sin when I shut up which is my number one endeavor in life.
My "influence" is becoming more noticeable, but it's very much tied in with everything around me influencing me, and my growing awareness of that - and learning how to dance with these things, as it were.
Some would say my "magic", but I see how these are the same things when some of the effects of influence border on the miraculous, which I notice mine do, more and more.
So, I don't apply myself any more than that, I feel enough just comes as a consequence of the way I live my life, and it will go just as quickly if I detour from the path.
I think I need to become stronger in the heart and soul before I could bear a great deal more.
I feel what mother feels, scaled down. I feel the responsibility.
I think anyone hanging out a shingle as a shaman should tattoo a disclaimer on their foreheads - **Practice my Method at Your Own Risk**, because I have found that without the proper grounding, influence can go catastrophically, or terribly wrong.
I mean, if a shaman isn't going to stick around and help the apprentice sort it out, then at least the disclaimer along with a brief introduction of where to BEGIN. So I'm angry about that.
I guess I've had a bad experience with someone whom I believe is actually out to harm me and can do some actual harm, if it hasn't been done already.
There's nothing I can do about what this person does. All I can do is deal with whatever harm may come of it, if and when it comes to my attention.
I will not let this person define me, as much as this individual thinks they have the power to do that.
Because without integrity, the black magic doesn't work either, so the harm has to come from the tangible, three D world somehow. Most likely online, since it's most convenient and accessible.
This may be very inconvenient and painful for me, but not without redress.
What remains to be done is to decord myself from this individual, transform the fear of what may happen into engagement with my here and now - which is actually pretty good and could only get better with a little tlc, and enact my ready prepared plan of action if and when the time arises.
Owning my life now is the first step and it starts today.