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 Post subject: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Sun Apr 14, 2013 12:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:47 am
Posts: 11
I finally decided to post this here in hopes that someone might have some insight for me on this perhaps. A good bit has happened since I last posted on this forum. I've been reading a good bit. Learning what I can from books. Of course everyone on here is right when they say one cannot really learn shamanism only from books. I am starting to see now how it's becoming a matter of a growing academic understanding, but not much real experience with something that relies so much on one's own personal experience and understanding.

I've sort of found a group to work with since I last posted. And soon I will be starting an online class as well. Looks like I might be on my way to finding what i was looking for. The thing is, I am getting better and better at practicing with a group, but I can't seem to practice anything at all alone. For literally a few months, I've been meaning to try journeying on my own. Every time I think of doing so though, it seems I think of some reason not to. "I'm not sure I'll get it right." "How could I be sure I can trust what I find for myself?" "I really should clean the house instead of doing this today." "I just went with the group yesterday." It's just literally a world of excuses to myself, and yet this seems the place to really try to start out. I still feel like I'm on the right track and on the path that still feels like it's chosen me, yet I can't seem to really get past just reading books.

Is there something wrong with me?


Last edited by Blazewind on Sun Apr 14, 2013 11:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:24 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:19 pm
Posts: 184
Hi there,

Regardless of whether you feel your journey is something you can trust or not, why not do it anyway?

You can chronicle them here, or elsewhere. Eventually you'll see patterns. I've recorded all my dreams since January and there are patterns!

At the very least, you'll experience an increase in self awareness, plus with others to offer feed back, whether here, or in your group, it will help you to stay grounded so that you don't end up experiencing a psychotic break.

I've had one or two since joining, and I have to bring myself back all by myself. Poor me.

Personally, I'd love to read about yours or anyones journeys.

As for what's stopping you, I can only speak for myself about what stops me from doing things on my own, and that's the never ending want of "mommy" to hold my hand and get me started.

I think it's about recognizing what seems to be missing, accepting and integrating the missing person/element which empowers you take those tentative steps forward.

Another thing you can do, is when attempting your first solo journeys, if thoughts or feelings interefere, then make a note of them. Over a few weeks, some insights as to what's holding you back should arise.

Good luck! Always glad to see someone besides myself posting. :)


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 Post subject: Re: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:21 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:19 pm
Posts: 184
Hi, your post has inspired more thoughts, I'd like to post them in this thread, but I don't want to hijack, so I'm starting a carry on thread, on the topic you raised. Hope you don't mind if I refer to this post in that thread.


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 Post subject: Re: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 1:10 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:47 am
Posts: 11
Of course I don't mind. And thanks for replying.

After making my post yesterday, I decided to spend little time, with self reflection on the matter I was posting about. I've tried before and got nowhere except to see the things that turned out to be excuses as the causes themselves. I came to see though just how important self reflection is as a process on our paths. With that new perspective I tried again to reflect on the issue and finally it all began to make sense.

When I was younger I used to believe the world was so different than most seemed to think. I used to believe there had to be a better way, and I just needed to find it. I still do think like that now, but now it's grown so much harder. Life has gotten more and more complicated. To follow ones calling is growing impossible or so it seems at times for me. My ways of thinking, of believing in the good of humanity and in the connectedness of all things. Partly because of this, but mostly due to other reasons, I was always and still am seen as the one that never quite caught on to common thinking. I once saw myself as empowered and as great as anyone else. Lately I just grow more and more dishearted by the feeling of never being "good enough" as I am.

I was here on Earth in part of be a helper to others. I understand that much. The need to help, to offer my love and understanding to the world is still almost overwelming sometimes and there have been many times I have literally cried hard from the feeling of knowing what to say to that sad and lost person, or the idea that I could help that fallen man to his feet, if only so many weren't standing by steadily implying that i don't understand feelings well enough and that I lack the sense to do a thing.

I began to think then of all the times I've just been used by others in life. The poeple that call me only when the need to borrow money fro food or when they need a ride across town. I realize that I give them so much so often tot he point of resenting the sound of the ringing phone, just because f the burning need to help a society that won't let me do much else to help anyone. I'll never be the one a friends, to call when tragedy hits or life gets crazy, so giving money and rides at least feels for a moment like it might just fill that endless need to help them. I also realized in reflecting on all this just how messed up and beaten down I sounded, even to myself. I found myself wondering why I was called to this path at all. What might the point be of learning such a path in life when I was never the one anyone counted on for anything more enlightened than the act of starting a car.

The fear of staying on the shamanic path forever, of finding my purpose on it and off spending years and years learning more and more, only to find myself without a real purpose for it all, I know see is the one thing that stops me for really jumping into anything. I was already outcast pretty much years ago, but I suppose I do still fear a greater extent of it in some way. It's all so complicated.


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 Post subject: Re: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 11:59 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:19 pm
Posts: 184
It all sounds so familiar to me. I am used, discarded, AND demonized. My story of woe begotton woe is epic. I don't want to compare, just heartily nod in hearty agreement with what all this feels like.

I've gone through your stage of reflection. It took some time to really process all those experiences and memories. I believe doing that essential to obtain closure for that part of your life and ready yourself for the new identity that you will assume when the time is right.

Who's to say how long that will take you? I believe, from my own experience, (so take it with a gain of salt, if you wish) that if you really process this stuff, depression will result, because you'll be forced to contend with all your losses and depression always arises from that.

Then you'll have to process your depression. It might get serious. You might wish you were dead, but it will pass, especially if you can find the skill to work through it. It's also a part of the passage to your new self and your new life on the Shamanic path.

When you get there, you just won't care about all this stuff in the same way you do now, but at the same time a new sense of purpose will arise and you can walk your path and never look back.

It seems, if I read your post right, that you are at this crossroads now?


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 Post subject: Re: I can't seem to start out
 Post Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:23 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:19 pm
Posts: 184
I just wanted to add a couple of things.

In my own life, there wasn't one relationship that could be saved. My only choices were to remain, and continue to be abused, or to cut them off.

I cut them off, which resulted in my becomming a recluse. Because the only people I knew were those people. The only people I continue to attract, are those kinds of people.

I'm learning the skills to deal with them now though. It's a lot easier, I'm discovering, to put strangers in their place, than it is family or close "friends."

I don't let people use me anymore, and I can see it coming now, a mile away. I really couldn't before.

It wasn't my intention to become a recluse, but it became a necessity. My quality of life, for whatever anyone else might think about it, is leaps and bounds better. But I did have to go through a serious depression first, in the letting go process.

I'm not sure if your relationships can be saved or not. Communication skills are key. If your people have any empathy they will appreciate what you are trying to say. If they see you as a source of whatever "supply", then they're going to hate you for it.

I found an excellent blog last night which I wish I would have saved. I can't find it now, but it succinctly addressed which category most people fell into, from a Shaman's perspective, that Shaman being Carlos Castenada, Don Juan's student.

He said that most people fall into the "shadow stalker" category. Their aim is to lead the seeker off the path to fulfill their own purposes.

So when we realize that most people are just like this, it's easier not to take it so personally.

Do your people give you love?

Mine did. Wheenver I succeeded at anything I got nothing but cold shoulder. But if I failed, there was nothing but cooing love and fawning attention. I really didn't want to be a failure so...

I'm not sure if I'm a success. It doesn't look like it right now, but I am a lot happier, a lot more at peace, and accountable to no one but myself. No more adoration for my failures though, lol.


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