Hello, I am Zornitsa, 31 years old, from Bulgaria.
One year ago I participated in ayahuasca ceremony. I made a diet several weeks before that, I didn't ate anything at the day, also made a cleansing. I have had experiences with weed, mushrooms, DMT before and I didn't have any problems with any of it.
But in this ceremony first I was amazed that we are more than 80 person and only 3 shamans from Spain. The ceremony started, some took peyote, some ayahuasca, some both of it. I took ayahuasca 1 cup. After some time one shaman offered another to anyone who wanted. I didn't feel it worked, so I took another. Hours passed by, the shamans sang their songs, the fire has burn to the end. The morning came, the ceremony has ended and then I felt the medicine worked for me. I felt awfully. My had was dizzy and I was extremely exhausted. No spiritual visions no nothing, I just felt physically bad. And all this chaos around me - people walking here and there, no fire, no shamanic songs and guiding, no attention, was very painful for me. So I stood in this condition more than 8 hours in suffering. I helped myself vomiting even I didn't have any natural calling for that, but it didn't make it better. I was very tired and I tried to lay down and sleep, but it became worse, so I stood up sitting again.
After this day some time passed and I felt a grate fear connected to anything that even slightly reminds me of that experience. I fell in depression, I was scared for nothing. Just feeling fear. When I woke up in the morning I wanted the day was gone so I can fall asleep and feel nothing. After half an year I refuse to eat for a week. I couldn't digest anything, and I lost energy and weight. After that week I started to eat only soup for a long time. I went to a doctor and they said I had my gall stooped. I hadn't any problems with it before. The reason for me was that fear.
So one year later I am much better, but some days I can feel this fear sneaking. And IT wasn't a part of me in my life before. And I want to get cleared of it. I realized that all the ceremony went wrong for me, I didn't get help from the shamans and maybe my body didn't accept the medicine well. But what was done was done , I want to repair myself, because I don't like my life that way with this fear sticked to me.
So if there is a shaman or anyone who understand the problem and can help me - please!

Hi Zornitsa,
Your words carry well your confusion but I read between the lines. Here is my answer to you.

You did not participate in an ayahuasca ceremony, you took the drug along with a bunch of other people.

You were not guided by a shaman. He did not choose you. The shaman who were there did not help you because you were not ready.

Your fears are the only consequences, for now, of this experience with ayahuasca, but now your gall is permanently damaged.

You are now at a point of no return. You want to "repair yourself", you don't like to live with fears. Fear is the first enemy on the shamanic path. What exactly are you looking for?

If you really look for help, start by proving you can help yourself : no drugs until the full moon of next June.

What was your intention for attending the Ayahuasca ceremony? What were you expecting or looking for? Did you feel this would be an amazing 'experience' perhaps? A door to another world or even an initiation? Did you travel to South America for the ceremony or was it brought to you in Bulgaria?



I think I know who you speak of and therefore what you say about 80 people attending and getting no help doesn't surprise me.



There is only a limited amount that someone who has never experienced entheogens (like myself) can add to this, however, I have read accounts of this kind of ceremony and what you describe sounds like a completely inappropriate and unethical way of working. Although tribes in the Americas may have large groups participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies, it must be understood that they are native to that area, more connected with the plant Spirits and Spirits of place there. These large groups have life-long cultural and spiritual understanding of what Ayahuasca is and is intended for but it doesn't sound like that was part of your experience, only the mechanics of dietary preparation etc.

One of the primary functions of ceremonies such as this is to fast-track a spiritual initiation process which would otherwise take years. Experiences from those who have undergone a true Ayahuasca initiation all carry the same basic similarities. Facing fear, moving and working through it, becoming strong through conquering these 'demons' and turning them into our allies. The same test is taken in different forms all over the world but the underlying necessity to face what scares us is fundamental.



It sounds as though the process started within you but because you had no support or true Shaman to guide your experience part of the way, you were left to fight the experience instead of surrendering to it. This kind of experience can happen even when there is a native shaman in attendance because it is up to the individual to work through their fears. In this case, you were not able to do that so you are left with non-specific fear and anxiety arising from the confusion and resulting depression of not having the full experience necessary. Essentially the door was cracked open but you were not allowed to fully pass through or return.



It is possible that fear caused this but it is equally possible that the gall bladder problem is not associated. In England we use the term 'having the gall' to infer that someone has an inappropriate lack of fear so for example "he had the gall to turn up at the party after all the hurt he caused". So looking at the inappropriate or non-founded fear response you have and the gall bladder problem, they do seem to stem from the same thing.

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You may need to find a Peruvian or Brazillian shaman who can properly help you with this and certainly I am not experienced enough in the use of such powerful plant Spirits to help you further. Do you have any shamanic training or was this ceremony your first encounter with a spiritual initiation process?

I strongly feel that you need to work one to one with a shaman you can meet with directly rather than over the internet. Someone you completely trust and who demonstrates their deep integrity in the way their work. This healing may not be easy but after what you have experienced this last year or so, you may find reserves of power and strength you never knew you had!

Good luck - if you want to talk in private, please feel free to contact me.

Thank you for your answers, I appreciate that.

I was stupid to let myself be convinced to go to this ceremony even I felt this is not the right thing to do. But I didn't believe my intuition, I thought it was only fear of the unknown. And I challenged my fear.
I am interested in the mystical ways of spiritual work - I am a seeker at all. And what I search? - I search the God within me.
May be too much information confused me and blurred my intuition.
You are right - I wasn't ready. And after all this wasn't my path. And they were not my guiders. I am alone on my way to God and only love and life are the teacher.

I took once mushrooms about a month after the ceremony and weed several times, hoping I can help myself in another consciousness. But there was only fear. So I stop taking anything and set foot on the ground. And I don't want to participate in such things ever again.

So I think I did the first step, whats next? Full moon next June - I don't think so...

You need a soul retrieval of some kind, and this would depend on the path you have decided on. If you have decided to work within a different spiritual path you may find success working there, such as if you want to return to Christianity for example (you mention the word God). It is possible that time may work this out, no guarantee there, but many problems associated with misuse of hallucinogens have historically gotten better after a few years, even with cases more extreme than what you have mentioned. Certain people simply should not use hallucinogens and they may not know that until many trips in as you have described. There is a good chance marijuana will bring these feelings back as well, this is one of the reasons many older people stop smoking weed I have found. I would recommend perhaps chakra work or supplication, maybe even reiki or yoga, but you may need help from a shaman as has been noted. I would need to know more about your belief system.

There are a lot of fake shamans in Peru too, I went there on recommendation from a reliable source to see Percy Garcia Lozano on crutches ( I am housebound now ) and left disappointed.

But unlike you , I didnt even get vomiting at all - just the impression I was being played for a fool and I was wasting my time.

Its unlikely now I am much worse off that I will ever try aya again , and like you I did try other entheogens with mixed results before and after it ( all for illness )

With my last shroom trip I did in particular ( sclerotia ) I took more too as I thought it hadnt worked , and ended up having a nightmare trip that ultimately left me without my smell ( still to this day gone ), but on the other hand the miracle I intended for my health .

I am just saying this because the answer is always not so black or white,and that entheogens are unpredictable -esp when your desperate it seems for something, as I was.

b